Beginning

The Adventures of Al the Average


A Choose your own story for grown-ups


There once was a man named Al. Al was a tax accountant. He went to work every day at Jones, Smith and Brown where he added numbers and looked for loopholes. Al drove to work every day in his blue car that he had named “Ed”. He had brown hair and dressed neatly. He lived in a small house in a friendly neighborhood. Al was not handsome but not hideous. Al was not an idiot but not a genius. Al went to work everyday and liked to have fun with his friends on the weekends. Al was average. Al was ordinary. Al was normal.

The Adventures of Al the Average

A Choose your own story for grown-ups

There once was a man named Al. Al was a tax accountant. He went to work every day at Jones, Smith and Brown where he added numbers and looked for loopholes. Al drove to work every day in his blue car that he had named “Ed”. He had brown hair and dressed neatly. He lived in a small house in a friendly neighborhood. Al was not handsome but not hideous. Al was not an idiot but not a genius. Al went to work everyday and liked to have fun with his friends on the weekends. Al was average. Al was ordinary. Al was normal.

Al Al’s car named Ed

Al had a cat named Blackie and a fern that was slowly dying. Blackie liked to chase paper balls around the house when he wasn’t lying on Al’s clean laundry. The fern was dying because Al watered it once every two months whether it needed it or not.

Al’s Cat Blackie Dying Fern . . . no Blackie is not pooping on the dying fern

Al lived in a small house on 2nd Street. Al had furniture, most of which his parents had stored in their basement and given to him when he moved out of the house. Al liked to watch football and eat macaroni and cheese. Al was a very average guy.

One quiet Saturday Al woke up, ate breakfast, showered, and brushed his teeth. After all of that activity Al was ready for a break so he decided to relax with his favorite magazine, “Popular Science”. Just as Al was getting interested in an article on carrots as an alternative energy source the door bell rang. Al sighed and put down the magazine. It was his friend Gloria. Al and Gloria had started kindergarten together and had been friends ever since Gloria had defended Al’s right to eat the lead from his pencil. Gloria worked at a flower shop and had often expressed great concern about the welfare of Al’s fern.

Al’s friend Gloria

Gloria had tried to remind Al to water the fern but he always forgot. She blamed him for the unnecessary pain it was suffering. It was one of the few things that Al and Gloria did not agree upon.

If Gloria has a big surprise . . . turn to page 2

If Gloria wants Al to come for a drive . . . turn to page 15

Page 11

“Not my Grandmother” gasped Al “of course you are. You are the one that baked me cookies and brought me chicken soup when I was sick.”

The strange Grandma Gert reached up and ripped off the clever latex mask that she had been wearing. “No, I’m Steve your plumber. I kidnapped your grandmother and locked her in a secret cave”

Plumber Al, holding his Grandma mask

“Why would you do that?”asked Al “My Grandmother has never done anything to hurt you.”

“Of course not” said Steve “It was all an elaborate scheme to meet your friend Gloria. I saw her at your house last week when I was unstopping your plugged drain. From that minute I knew that I had to have this woman. Gloria, I love you.”

Gloria looked at him in shock. “That’s sick. You must be crazy. You go and get the real Grandma Gert right now or I’ll call the cops”.

Steve grabbed Gloria “No my sweet. There is no need for disguise any more. I love you and I know you love me. It’s time for us to go on our honeymoon now. Goodbye everyone!” He carried Gloria towards the door.

Gloria screamed, “Al, save me”. While Steve was distracted she grabbed her champagne and threw it in his eyes. Then she punched him in the stomach. She quickly removed her nylons and tied him to the nearest lounge chair. “Boy those self defense lesson videos that I ordered from the home shopping network really came in handy.” she said.

“Where’s my Grandma” yelled Al, “We have to save her”.

If Steve says “She’s in the secret cave in the back alley. Just go outside and move the dumpster to the left side. That will open up the passage.” Turn to page

If Steve says “Mommy please don’t cut me with those nail scissors. I promise not to feed ant poison to the puppy any more. Look at the butterflies, aren’t they beautiful. What’s that mister butterfly? Yes it’s a lovely day today. I love you Mommy.” Turn to page 12

page 10

Al noticed a waitress taking a tray of drinks into the back room so he ran up to her and said “Big Martha is looking for you right away, he umm she, umm Big Martha didn’t look very happy. Here, I’ll take those drinks in for you”.

The waitress threw the tray at Al and ran to the bar to talk to Big Martha. Al smiled at his ingenuity and opened the door to the back room. The room was very brightly lit and decorated with white marble and brass. Gloria and Grandma Gert were reclining on eider down pillows while four handsome young men fed them grapes and chocolate dipped strawberries and rubbed their feet. They sipped champagne from golden flutes. Strains of classical music played softly in the background.

Grandma Gert and Gloria in the back room

“Wow” said Al “You two really are “in”. Do you think I could have some of those strawberries? They look delicious.”

“You’ll have to help yourself” said Gert’s grape feeder. “I’m not feeding you buddy. How did you get in here anyway. This is a private party. I think it’s time you left.”

“It’s okay Dirk” said Grandma Gert “as much as I hate to admit it he’s with me. Come sit beside me Albert, I think it’s time that I told you the truth about who I really am.. As you can see I’m not the typical shuffle board playing , tea drinking Granny that you thought I was.”

Al gasped and Gloria giggled. “I think that I should get a drink before I hear this, can I have a glass of champagne?” asked Al.

“Well, the truth is . . .” said Grandma Gert

“I’m not your grandmother” turn to page 11

“I’m a spy” turn to page

page 9

“No thanks” said Al “I really like Pina Colada’s”

“Okay” Squid Bate “That will be $98, plus tip of course”.

Al blanched, “that seems like a bit much for a couple of drinks. I have $50 will that do?”

Squid Bate laughed “You’re joking, you do realize how exclusive this club is don’t you? I would hate to tell Big Martha that you were causing any problems. Big Martha doesn’t have the same sense of humor that I do.”

“Don’t worry Squid Bate” said Al “I’ll just leave the drinks here and go borrow some money from my friend Gloria, she’s on the dance floor. I’ll be right back.” Al turned around and left the bar before Squid Bate had a chance to answer.


Looking for Gloria on the dance floor

Al went to the dance floor and looked for Gloria, he couldn’t see her through the smoke and the strobe lights. He tapped the nearest dancer on the shoulder and asked “have you seen my friend Gloria, she’s about this tall and she’s wearing typical street clothes, you can’t miss her, she really stands out.”

“Oh yeah, I saw her, neat costume, who would have thought about dressing like that.” said the dancer “I think that she’s off in the private room with the “in” crowd ”.

“I thought this club was only for the “in” crowd” said Al.

“Well of course it is, but your friend is with the “really in” crowd. Don’t bother trying to find her, they’ll never let you in there” laughed the dancer.

Al glanced around the room looking for Grandma Gert but he knew that he’d never find her in this crowd. “She’s probably with the really in crowd too” he moaned “This is just like high school.”

If Al tries to sneak into the back room turn to page 10

If not turn to page

Page 8

Just then the door opened an a huge man with green hair and a tatoo of an octopus on his neck opened the door. Al noticed that he was wearing pink pajamas . “Hi Milo” said Gert “This my Grandson Al please don’t kick him out, he promised not to embarrass me.”

Milo smiled “Well if he’s with you, he can’t be as weird as he looks. Come on in, we haven’t seen you since we moved from the fish scaling plant on the docks last week.”

Meeting Milo at the club

Al, Gloria, and Grandma Gert walked into the club. Al and Gloria looked around in amazement. It was the type of club they had seen on tv and movies. The room was crowded and smoky. Everyone was wearing bright and exotic costumes, Al wasn’t sure which of the patrons were men and which were women.

“Cool” said Gloria, “Where do I get that tattoo?” and she joined the dancers on the floor.

“Albert can you go get me a drink, tequila straight up with a Jack Daniels chaser” said Grandma Gert. Al went to the bar and ordered Gert’s drink and Pina Coladas for him and Gloria.

The bar tender was very friendly. “Hi, my name’s Squid Bate, why don’t you try a Bikini Waxer” he/she said “They are the latest thing, everyone’s drinking them.

If Al says “Sure, give me two” turn to page

If not turn to page 9

Page 7

“No thanks, kids, I’ve got other plans.” answered Grandma Gert “come along if you want, I think you’ll enjoy this.”

“Where are you going?” asked Al wearily.

“Oh, I can’t say” said Grandma Gert “That would ruin the surprise”.

“Come on Al, let’s go, it sounds like fun” said Gloria.

“I wouldn’t recommend getting involved with one of my Grandmother’s ‘surprises’” said Al “She’s not your typical card playing grandmother”.

Gloria laughed “Cards I love cards, shall we play 7 card stud or Texas Hold ‘em. Come on Albert, live on the edge.” She jumped into the Cadillac and Al slowly followed her.

“I know that I’m going to regret this” said Al

Riding in Grandma Gert’s Cadillac

Grandma Gert drove the around the block and parked behind an empty warehouse. She got out of the car and knocked on the door three times.

“Where are we?” asked Al “There’s no one here”.

Grandma Gert laughed “It’s one of those secret after hour clubs, they make it look deserted to keep people like you out. Try to act cool in front of my friends, don’t embarrass me. Tonight is tattoo night, any one who has any plain skin showing gets a free barbwire tat and a shot of tequila.”

If they get in to the club turn to page 8

If not turn to page

Page 6

Al quickly ran to his closet and got his Rocky Horror costume complete with toast and scraggy wig. Gloria laughed and suggested that he get some fresh toast “That stuff is looking a little green, we might get kicked out of the theatre." Al found the toaster (under all that pantry dust) and made the toast. The smoke detector went off for a few minutes but they didn’t have to call the fire department. It was turning out to be a pretty good day.

Al and Gloria went out to the garage and started up Ed his average brown four door sedan. Ed as usual started with a roar. He was a really dependable car as long as he wasn’t broken. They drove down town and parked Ed. As they were walking across the street a huge convertible Cadillac screamed around the corner and nearly knocked Al down.

Al jumping back from the speeding Cadillac

Gloria quickly grabbed a pad of paper and wrote the liscence plate down “H-O-T-S-T-U-F-F”. She read “ I think that we should call the cops. They must be drunk or crazy”

“Don’t bother” replied Al, “I know who it is and they’re not drunk”. The car stopped, reversed and squealed back to where Al and Gloria were standing. Just then driver flicked a cigarette out the window, the butt landed on Al’s polyester costume and immediately burned a hole in the fabric.

“Hey watch it” yelled Al.

“Ooops sorry, Albert ” said the driver “didn’t mean to burn your fashionable attire. So, who’s the squeeze? Your Mom didn’t tell me that you had a girl friend.”

“Hi Grandma,” said Al “This is my friend Gloria. And please don’t call me Albert”.

“Okay Al-Baby.” said Grandma “Nice to meet you Gloria, you can call me Gert”.

“We’re just on our way to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”, we don’t , always dress like this” said Gloria. “Would you like to join us?”

If Grandma Gert joins them turn to page

If not turn to page 7